Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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