Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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