Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
