Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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