so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
