My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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