there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
