apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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