Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
