If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
