one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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