remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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