Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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