i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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