The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
