Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
