tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
