All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I want you more than these girls want KFC
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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