My room smells like vodka and shame
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
