The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
