Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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