there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
