I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
