I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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