The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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