Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's official drugs can't kill me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
