1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
