I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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