he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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