So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize