Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
