dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
