Got a toothbrush?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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