I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
