Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
