I want to walk on stilts...naked
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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