i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sober January is a disaster.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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