it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
