The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She's the barista slut.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
