dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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