So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
