I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
