I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize