I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
