You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
