You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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