Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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