I'm eating all of the evidence.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
