Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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