Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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