My sheets look like a crime scene.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
