I'm so fucking centered right now
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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