He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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