last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
They have beer where we have blood.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
