he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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