he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
