Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize